I decided to publish a stack of poems I wrote 14 years ago.
In my e-mail inbox I have notice that the books will arrive on Tuesday.
Surprise, no surprise, I have feelings about this development.
I could tell you that I am happy, proud, relieved and/or excited.
For the record I think I’m some of all of those things.
And I am also nervous (in the little-girl-who-might-get-in-trouble kind of way), which makes no rational sense but the feeling is there.
The poems are in German. Like, literally, auf deutsch.
I am not a native German speaker, nor do I sound like one.
I am fluent in German, I live in a German-speaking country and engage my surroundings often in the local vernacular.
I am an immigrant in this particular German-speaking republic.
And now I’m publishing some poems as part of my journey.
Again and again though this voice comes and asks: Really? You? Writing poems, calling them poems in a language you didn’t even grow up speaking? In a language you don’t have a degree in?
That’s real, too.
One piece in the collection is actually a dialogue and also provides the title of the book:
which loosely translates to Language Citizenship.
I suppose it’s the dialogue in my own head played out between two people: The language immigrant and the language native. The native asks the immigrant about how she came to the language and what she does in it; then goes on to inquire about the immigrant’s qualifications to write, play and publish in the language. The native becomes increasingly irritated by the immigrant’s laid back attitude to accessing and using this language they have in common and concludes the conversation by threatening to report the immigrant to the language police at the local language protection office.
Several weeks ago, my mother-in-law, a native German speaker, read this dialogue aloud to me and in that moment, I could hear that my words had a relevance I hadn’t accorded them previously.
The poems exist as a kind of ode to my immigrant-ness of almost 30 years. Being in this country, yet never fully of it.
The poems are also a tribute to this language I have embraced and loved and which in its own way has loved me back and even chuckled at some of my creations.
What I found is that poems allowed me to play with German in a way I cannot play with English. And I wonder how other multilingual folks encounter these differences in use.
So yes, a premier is on the horizon. A book, a book!
One that few folks in my current circles will be able to actually enjoy but one I hope that we will celebrate and contemplate together.
Which language, whose language, which words, whose interpretations?…All the things.